Photo by Angiola Harry on Unsplash

Last year I went on a journey I never thought would happen to me; one very few of us ever wish for, but many of us have either travelled or have watched someone we love travel this road. I am one of the blessed ones - my journey was short and sharp, and I am doing well. Despite this, there were still many things I learnt, or am learning, due to this cancer journey.

I have written this for you, you who have just started that journey and are still scared and overwhelmed - may this be a personal letter that speaks to your heart; I know some of my lessons may not resonate with you, which is perfectly fine – these are my learnings. What I hope is that overall, they give you strength and encouragement that you're not alone on this journey.

You have a strength, a deep, inner strength.

We have a deep inner strength that we didn't even know we had – honestly; I am still surprised at how well I managed to hold it together and keep going through the entire experience – work, home, kids, surgery, everything. Trust yourself, believe you know what is best for you and your family, and follow your gut instinct.

Ask for help – people want to help.

Overall – people want to help and express their sympathy/empathy to you in tangible ways. I had friends I hadn't heard from in years, sending flowers, gifts and expressions of love (from as far away as Australia and Ireland). As soon as you start any treatment (chemo, radiation, surgery – whatever is best for you), I recommend you ask for help. But keep it to a small group of people who know you so well, and you don't need to explain anything; you can just ask for help – food, childcare, company, a hug, a shoulder to cry on, medical appointments, just trips to get out and about; whatever you need that day.

Take care of yourself – ask the family to step up a bit.

This one is probably the hardest one for me to learn – I am used to being the caregiver, the nurturer, and doing everything, but I can't now, so stepping back and asking everyone else to step up felt like a failure. But my family never hesitated; my kids vacuum, clean the bathroom/toilet/shower, do all the dishes, clean up after the kitten and do whatever else I ask of them. My Mum (who lives with us) and hubby both help with meals, washing and anything else I need help with – we do a meal roster every fortnight, so everyone knows when they're cooking and what they're cooking (and my daughter will often help with meals as required as well). Right now, you need to be your own best friend and advocate – and ask them to take some of the load off you.

One day at a time.

I cannot emphasise this enough – take one day at a time, and don't think too far into the future; the future will look after itself when you get there. I spent many long nights researching and panicking. It's not good for the soul, nor for your mental health – it also takes away from the now. I know this is one of the hardest things, and it's natural to worry about the future (especially as a Mum), and even now, I can feel my chest tighten as I remember back to those days of the unknown. But not a single night of worry changed a thing about my future – this doesn't mean I stopped worrying, but as I became more aware of when I was starting to worry unconsciously, I could take steps to calm myself down (deep breathing, writing poetry, talking with my hubby or Mum, go for a walk).

Rest up – your energy levels aren't going to be the same for a long time.

This is also vital – I had no idea how low my energy would get (& still is), and I wish I had understood this sooner. But after such a massive trauma, your body takes a long time to recover, whether or not you have chemo or radiation. Never underestimate the impact this has on you or your body. Be gentle on yourself, rest up as much as possible – this way, when you need to push, you have the capacity to do this. It's a real balancing act, trying to figure out what the new 'normal' will be and how much you can or can't do. It's hard to accept some days (even now). I don't know if I'll ever be back to where I was – but thinking ahead and planning my week helps me focus on where I need to spend my energy versus what I can let go of and ensures I still feel a certain amount of control over my day-to-day life. I have come to understand that if I have a late night (late these days being anything after 10 pm), I will pay in some way the next day, and sometimes for two days – so I need to plan to ensure that the next night I can get to bed early and try to reduce the exhaustion as much as possible.

Scars are proof of courage and resilience.

Our bodies are never going to look the same either – but try to remember that scars are just proof of your courage and your resilience. They don't define you or change who you are – they are just physical proof of that deep inner strength I mentioned at the beginning.

You will never see life the same way – embrace this; it is a good thing! As hard as it is, learning not to take our health for granted anymore and remaining grateful for second chances is something to hold onto. I am still understanding this and processing what a massive trauma this was. It's not just a physical but emotional and mental trauma; things we have always taken for granted are suddenly unknown. It takes a toll and can affect our outlook on life, but we can use that to our advantage and take measures to ensure we don't take things for granted. It can be as simple as starting a gratitude habit – every night noting a few things we were grateful for; a beautiful sunset, the warmth of the day, the birds singing; some days, this may be all you have to hang onto, and that's okay. I don't believe in toxic positivity, but there may be days when you literally cannot think of a single thing – that's okay, trust yourself and remember, this is just a season.

Boundaries.

Boundaries are essential for your mental health, and you may need to bring in some support at times, as you may not have the capacity to hold onto your boundaries. There are always people in your life, whatever season you're going through that drain you – you know who they are, and whenever they ring or visit, you come away feeling drained, empty and often not heard as they tend to dominate the conversation. You don't need these people in your life at the moment, right now – you need to look after yourself, and it's perfectly okay to tell them that there is no room for them. If you can't do this personally, ask someone to help you, it may be hard for them to hear, but their reaction is not your responsibility.

Language

Having cancer is like learning a whole new language; there is so much to try and take in and understand, it's overwhelming to begin with. Take someone along to as many of your medical appointments as possible, and ask them to take notes; often, we miss essential aspects as we're still trying to process the previous sentence. We may have questions or concerns we need to remember, write them down, and ask your support person to remind you to bring them up. Take as many notes as possible, and do some research if you need to; there is no need to go on the internet for this, I was given a lot of information to read, and that is where I started. I still researched online, but only after I had read everything.

Everyone is different, so you do you and work through this in whatever way is best for you - these are just a few lessons I learnt, and I hope they can be helpful in whatever part of the journey you find yourself on.

Kia kaha (stay strong), my friend; you're in a hard battle right now, and I will not downplay it. But know whatever happens – you're in my heart and my prayers.